


Safe and Sound

by LuthienLuinwe



Series: Safe and Sound [1]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, Nightwing (Comics), Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics)
Genre: Abusive Relationships, Abusive Roy Harper, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Drug Use, F/M, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, NO CAPES, Non-Graphic Violence, Panic Attacks, Past Rape/Non-con, Slow Burn, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-02
Updated: 2018-04-18
Packaged: 2019-04-17 14:12:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 19,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14190735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LuthienLuinwe/pseuds/LuthienLuinwe
Summary: Of all the places he wanted to spend his Friday evening, a large circle in a gymnasium full of people he didn’t know, and if he was telling the truth didn’t want to know, talking about their feelings wasn’t at the top of his list. Hell, it wasn’t even in the top hundred. It wasn’t like he hadn’t tried to avoid it. No, he had done everything he could, but the damn court had insisted that he at least give it a try, and so it was that Jason Todd found himself in a Survivors of Domestic Abuse Support Group.





	1. Getting to Know You

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! I have been a long-time FF.Net writer, but am finally starting to cross over. This idea popped into my head a few weeks ago. Normally I am a big Roy / Jason shipper, but the plot bunnies wouldn't leave me alone. I hope you all enjoy the story!

Of all the places he wanted to spend his Friday evening, a large circle in a gymnasium full of people he didn’t know, and if he was telling the truth didn’t want to know, talking about their feelings wasn’t at the top of his list. Hell, it wasn’t even in the top hundred. It wasn’t like he hadn’t tried to avoid it. No, he had done everything he could, but the damn court had insisted that he at least give it a try, and so Jason Todd found himself in a Survivors of Domestic Abuse Support Group.

Naturally, of course, it was mostly women. Had he swung more that way, he would have taken the opportunity to pick one (or two or three) of them up. But no, his eye had to gravitate to the stupid pretty boy hanging back away from the others, raven black hair hanging in his face.

No. He shouldn’t look. 

Roy would be upset if he found out.

Roy was already mad that their neighbors had called the cops after an argument that had left Jason with a black eye, a cut on his forehead, and more than a few other bumps and bruises.

It had been an accident (it was always an accident). Roy had come home drunk and high (just like he always did), and Jason had been upset about it. It was his fault. He shouldn’t have pushed it. Roy had never meant to hurt him, and even though Jason had told the police he’d just tripped and fallen face-first into the small kitchen island, they hadn’t believed him and had taken Roy away in cuffs.

He rolled his eyes when he saw the pretty-boy glance over, and felt his blood run cold when the man approached him. Surely it was okay to talk though, right? It wasn’t like he was cheating. It wasn’t like he wanted to cheat. He loved Roy, and Roy loved him. He just needed to get his act together…

“You in the right meeting?” the man questioned, looking Jason over with his bright blue eyes. “AA’s at the church down the street.”

“’M not an alcoholic,” Jason muttered. He’d seen enough of what the substance had done to his mother, to his partner, to go anywhere near it. 

“Good,” the man shrugged. “Might be nice to not be the only guy for once.” He held out his hand. “Dick.”

Seriously? They had barely exchanged a few sentences and the man was insulting him? No, it didn’t sound like an insult. More of a… Jason had to stop himself from laughing when he realized it was the man’s name. “Jason,” he replied without shaking the hand.

Dick shrugged it off and slid his hand into his pocket. “First few sessions are rough,” he said. “Don’t be scared. And make friends with Karen. She makes the best snacks.” Jason did smile that time. “Come on,” Dick led him over to the circle of metal folding chairs. “You can sit next to me.”

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The meeting had dragged on even longer than Jason had imagined. And he had stayed silent the entire time, trying not to think about all the women who blamed themselves, who made excuses… The ones acting exactly as he tried to pretend he wasn’t. “Not much of a talker?” Dick asked as Jason started to stand, anxious to get the hell out of there and back to his apartment. His empty apartment now that his stupidity had caused Roy to get locked up. Again.

“You’re one to talk,” Jason retorted. Dick had been just as silent, only speaking to greet the others when the meeting had started. “Too scared to admit your boyfriend beat you up?”

“They already know my ex-fiancée did,” Dick responded so casually it had caught Jason completely off-guard. “And worse.”

“That sucks, man,” Jason responded, not making eye-contact. “Hope they got him.”

“Her,” Dick corrected, and for some reason that had surprised Jason even more. “And they did. She’s going away for a long time.” He was silent for a moment, and Jason tried to ignore his phone going off. The last thing he needed was one of his friends continued sympathy. “So what happened to you? How’d you get that black-eye?”

Jason shrugged. “Nothing. Was an accident.”

He thought he saw a dark glint in those bright blue eyes. “Of course,” Dick responded. “It always is.”

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Three weeks later, Jason unlocked the door to his apartment and threw his bag onto the chair nearby. He had finally been getting used to the quiet, to the peace, to not having to walk around on eggshells in case he accidentally set Roy off again.

But he wasn’t alone. Not this time. Not anymore.

Because Roy was sitting on the couch, smiling at him. Jason flinched involuntarily, knowing, just knowing, he was going to be yelled at. And why shouldn’t he? He should have lied better. He should have just kept his damn mouth shut so the neighbors wouldn’t have called the police in the first place. He should have… “Hey, Jaybird,” Roy said softly, almost gently even. 

“You could get in trouble for being here,” Jason reminded. He had the no-contact order stashed away in a drawer, hoping he would never have to see it again. He had fought with the judge about that. He didn’t need to be protected, especially not from his live-in boyfriend.

“I know,” Roy approached him, wrapped his arms around his waist. “But I needed to see you, make sure you’ve been okay without me.”

He hadn’t just done okay. He’d been doing great. He was seeing his old friends again; the ones Roy had always insisted weren’t worth their time. He had made a new friend in Dick who had never once pushed him to talk about anything. And he hadn’t talked about anything, at least not related to Roy. But he knew that wasn’t what his boyfriend wanted to hear. “Missed you,” he decided on.

Roy kissed his forehead, and despite his best intentions, Jason melted into his touch. This was the Roy he had fallen head over heels for, the one he would do anything for, the sweet, gentle man he had gotten to know over the past two years. “I know,” he replied. “Missed you too.” He pulled back and looked into Jason’s eyes. “I’m sorry about what happened. It won’t happen again.”

Of course it wouldn’t.

Just like he had promised the past ten times.

But Jason wanted to believe him, wanted to believe him so damn much. “You gotta stop drinking and using,” he sighed after a moment, deciding it was safe. This was kind Roy. This was rational, sober Roy. This was the Roy who would sell his soul to make Jason happy.

“I know, babe,” Roy replied and pulled Jason into a tight hug. Jason took a deep breath, breathing in the familiar smell of cigarette smoke and Dial soap. “I promise.” A kiss on the top of his head. “No more.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I had just gone through the worst week of my life,” Dick said and took a long, deliberate sip from the mug of coffee sitting before him. Jason had lied to Roy, told him he was going off to work on some stuff for school. His partner had been sober for two weeks. They had a good thing going, and Jason wasn’t about to go off and ruin it again. But he had been so damn curious as to why Dick was in that support group, and against his better judgment, Jason had called him up and asked if he wanted to meet for coffee.

“The circus I grew up in,” Dick continued, and Jason had to fight back a response because of course he had grown up in a circus. “It got burned to the ground. And then my apartment building blew up.” Well. That had certainly been unexpected. “I went over to Catalina’s to stay the night, and I mean, I was pretty traumatized. Who wouldn’t be after all that? I was trying to explain what had happened, but she had me pinned down, and I tried to push her away, but I think she put something in my drink, and…”

“Man, you don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want to,” Jason said and leaned back, drinking from his own mug. 

Dick shrugged and ran a hand through his hair. “I mean, it’s part of who I am now, you know?” he asked, and Jay wished that he didn’t know, didn’t understand. “I mean, I guess things had always been pretty rough between us before, but that definitely pushed it over the edge. And when I tried to confront her about it, well…”

“You ran into a shit ton of doors?” Jason guessed.

“Yeah,” Dick sighed and was silent for a good, long moment. “After a few months, my adoptive father started to get suspicious. And then she kind of stabbed me.”

“She what?” Jay nearly choked. 

“Stabbed me,” Dick said, as casually as if he were talking about the weather. “Right in the stomach. Nearly died.”

“Jesus,” Jay sighed and stared back down at his own drink, not wanting to make eye-contact with the other man. He felt sick when he saw the time on his watch. He’d told Roy he’d be home an hour ago. Still, it didn’t feel right just bailing on Dick.

“These things, they only end one of two ways, Jason,” Dick sighed. “You get out, or you get killed.”

No, Jason shook his head. Dick was wrong about that. Because he and Roy were doing better. Roy was doing better. Roy loved him, and they were going to get through this, just like they had gotten through everything else.

 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

It was three in the morning when Roy came stumbling through the door. Jason was wide-awake, sitting in the armchair in their tiny living room, arms crossed, trying to keep himself calm. “Jaybird,” Roy slurred, a casual grin on his face. 

Jason didn’t smile back.

“Hey, you should be ‘sleep,” Roy tried to drape an arm around him, but he moved out of the way, causing the older man to stumble into the chair.

“You’re drunk,” Jason responded, trying to keep his voice cool and even, despite the rage and disappointment he felt boiling in his veins.

“So?” Roy questioned and turned to face him, his body language jumping from casual to tense in a matter of seconds.

“So you promised you wouldn’t do this shit anymore!” Jason snapped.

He heard his back hit the wall before he felt Roy shove him there.

“It was just a few drinks, okay?” Roy demanded. “God, Jay. Just because your fucking mom died of an overdose doesn’t mean you gotta be such a damn buzzkill on everyone else.” Jason gritted his teeth and glared at Roy, managing to shove him out of the way before heading toward his room. “Where the hell do you think your going?” the redhead demanded.

“Anywhere but here,” Jason responded, his voice flat, dead. “We’re done.” He winced when Roy grabbed him by the wrist, digging his nails in.

“Oh yeah?” Roy questioned. “You think you can do better than me? I got locked up because of you, you know that? No one else would ever put up with that shit, Jason.” 

“Roy, you’re hurting me,” Jason tried to pull his wrist away, but Roy’s grip tightened.

A moment of clarity came across the older man’s eyes, and he eventually loosened up. “Jason, I’m sorry,” he said. The sudden gentleness in his voice made Jason want to throw up. “You just made me mad is all. I’ll make it up to you. Please don’t go.”

Jason took a deep breath and shut his eyes. “You’re right,” he reluctantly agreed, hating himself for it. “I’m sorry. I just… I’m going to bed now, okay?” He didn’t even wait for a nod of approval before walking away.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

He didn’t know why he kept going to that stupid group. But he did know why he was keeping it from Roy. Roy would see it as a betrayal of trust. After all, he wasn’t abusive. At least not as much as some of the other people’s partners. At least Roy had never stabbed him.

He would be lying if he said he didn’t start to look forward to going, if only because it meant seeing Dick, seeing his smiling face, his calm mannerisms. Everything was so damn easy around him. He wasn’t walking on eggshells. And he certainly wasn’t being slammed into any walls.

Jason grabbed a cupcake from the table (Dick was right, Karen really did make the best snacks), and took his usual seat. “Hey man,” Dick greeted, ever-present smile on his face. “Good to see you.”

“You too,” Jason nodded and stared down at the floor.

“You look like hell,” Dick frowned in concern and turned to fully face Jason. “What the fuck happened to your arm?” Jason frowned and blinked down, mentally swearing when he saw the new hand-shaped bruise on his forearm, berating himself for not covering it up. “Roy do that?” and Jason hated, hated, how genuinely sympathetic the man sounded. Why couldn’t he just be angry? Jason could handle angry, could diffuse it. He didn’t need any pity.

“He loves me, okay?” Jason responded, not really answering the question. He loves me and no one else does. No one else ever will.

“Do you love him?” Dick asked, not a hint of judgment in his sweet, mellow voice. Jason just nodded, because even after everything, the lying, the drinking, the drugs, the violence, everything, he still loved Roy Harper. “Would you ever do that to him?” Jason shook his head. 

He didn’t want anyone to feel like he did, not ever. 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

“Roy, what the hell is this?” Jason demanded, holding up a pair of skimpy black underwear that was most definitely not his or his boyfriend’s. Things had been going so, so well between the two of them. They had gone out on a proper date just the weekend before. Roy had even dressed up, had paid for the two of them, had been a perfect gentlemen even… And now this. Because it always had to be something.

“What the hell were you doing going through my stuff?” Roy countered, his face flushed, eyes dilated.

“I wasn’t going through your stuff!” Jason shouted, unable to keep the hurt, the raw anger out of his voice. “It was next to your damn side of the bed!” He shook his head furiously and threw the garment to the ground, not even able to look at it. “You’re cheating on me.”

“Come on, Jaybird,” Roy approached him, voice low, soothing. He wrapped an arm around Jason’s waist. Jason tried to jerk away, but the other man’s grip was too firm, too controlling. “Don’t be like that.”

“How long?” Jason demanded. Instead of answering, Roy kissed him, and Jason shoved him away. “Don’t you fucking dare. Don’t you fucking dare turn this around.”

“Turn what around?” Roy questioned, pulling Jason to him once more. “There’s nothing going on, Jaybird.”

“Get. Out,” Jason said through gritted teeth. God, he couldn’t remember the last time he’d been so damn angry.

Roy laughed. Had the nerve to laugh. “You’re kicking me out? I pay for this place, remember?” Jason winced when his grip tightened. “Maybe if you weren’t such a little bitch all the time I wouldn’t have to go out looking for something else.”

“Fuck you, Roy,” Jason glared and cried out when he was met with a harsh backhand. “Get whatever you want wherever you want from whoever the hell you want. I’m fucking done.”

“And where are you gonna go?” Roy questioned. 

“Honestly?” Jason spat. “I don’t fucking care.” He tried to break free, but Roy was quicker, had always been quicker, and before he could process what had happened, he had fallen to the floor. No. He was done lying to himself. Roy had shoved him to the floor.

He didn’t know whether to laugh or cry when the door to their apartment flew open and two uniformed officers came in. God, it was just like the last time. He made a mental note to thank their next door neighbor, maybe even both of them. He did laugh, though hysterically, when he saw that the officer approaching him was one Dick Grayson. Of course, he thought dryly. Of fucking course he’s a cop. 

And when he heard the words, “Roy Harper, you’re under arrest for domestic battery and for violating a no contact order,” he wanted to cry. To cry because it was over. To cry because it meant Roy would hate him forever. To cry because he had let things get this damn bad in the first place. "You have the right to remain silent. Do you understand?" Roy muttered something, but Jay had tuned them out. "Anything you say can and will be held against you in a court of law. Do you unerstand?"

“Hey man,” he didn’t even fight Dick helping him into a sitting position. “It’s okay. You’re okay now. And Jason nodded and rested his head on Dick’s shoulder, feeling safe for the first time in months, maybe even years. 

“Come on, Jason,” Roy pleaded as he was placed in cuffs. “Tell them. Tell them it was an accident. You know I’d never hurt you.”

And for the first time, Jason kept his mouth shut and just glared at the man he thought had loved him as he was taken back into custody.

 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

He had gone home with Dick. The older man had asked Jason if he felt comfortable staying in the apartment. Jason had shaken his head. Dick had asked if there was anywhere else he could go, and Jason had shaken his head again, and so he found himself sitting in the living room of a shitty apartment in the slightly less than shitty part of Bludhaven. 

“You seriously commute all the way to Gotham?” Jason asked.

“Didn’t use to,” Dick shrugged. “Used to live in Gotham. Then I moved out and worked with the Bludhaven PD. After the…” he trailed off for a moment and took a deep, shaky breath. “After everything with Catalina I moved back home for awhile. Got a job with the Gotham PD and decided to stay, even if I did move back here.”

Jason nodded and studied the Flying Graysons poster hanging on one of the walls. Even knowing Dick’s last name and knowing that he’d grown up in a circus, Jason hadn’t really been able to connect the dots. Man, it must have been rough to watch both parents fall to their deaths and not be able to do a damned thing about it.

“So, no family or anything?” Dick asked and sat in the armchair across from the couch. 

Jason didn’t look away from the poster. “Dad got himself shot by his gang leader,” he answered. “Mom shot up too much heroin one night.”

“That sucks, man,” Dick sighed and pulled a knee to his chest. “Sorry to hear that.”

“It was a long time ago,” Jason shrugged and went silent. “How do you even get past any of this shit?” 

“You get help,” Dick answered without batting an eye. “And you make friends. And you talk to people and you move past it.” Jason nodded and wrapped his arms around himself. “And Jason?” he glanced over at his friend. “Even though I really don’t think you’ll believe it right now, and because I don’t think anyone’s ever told you this? None of this was your fault, okay?”

And Jason just shook his head because he should have been smart enough not to fall for Roy fucking Harper in the first place.


	2. Atavan Halen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a past rape mentioned in this chapter.
> 
> This chapter will have a lot of legal speak in it. I am not a lawyer, nor do I reside in the State of New Jersey, so I apologize in advance for any errors.

If there was one thing on the planet that Dick Grayson absolutely despised, it was reports, regardless of whether he was writing them or reading them. They were tedious, they never made anyone feel better, but they were necessary. And he had been up until three in the morning writing this one.

 

_**Affidavit for Probable Cause ******_

_******Richard Grayson** , a one-year veteran of the Gotham Police Department, swears or affirms that he believes and has good cause to believe that **Roy W. Harper Jr.** on or about the **3rd day of March** of **2016** in Hudson County, State of New Jersey, committed the offenses of **Possession of a Narcotic Drug (a Level 6 Felony), Possession of a Syringe (a Level 6 Felony), Domestic Battery (a Class A Misdemeanor),** and **Invasion of Privacy (a Class B Misdemeanor)**. To wit:** ** _

_****On 3/3/2016 at approximately 22:41, your affiant responded to 302 E. Market St #332 for a report of a domestic altercation. Dispatch advised that during the initial 911 call made by **Selina Kyle** (complainant) they could overhear shouting from the phone. Upon my arrival, I could hear two males yelling back and forth. Fellow responding officer **Barbara Gordon** announced our presence before we entered the dwelling.** ** _

_****Your affiant observed **Jason P. Todd** (victim) on the floor of the apartment kitchen, appearing as though he had been shoved there. He remained silent when **Gordon** inquired as to what had occurred. Based on the information provided by **Kyle** , **Officer Gordon** had reason to believe that **Roy W. Harper Jr.** had committed the offense of **Domestic Battery**. Further research by **Gordon** revealed a No Contact Order issued under 06C01-1602-F6-452 (Domestic Battery Resulting in Bodily Injury. See case 16-543) protecting **Jason P. Todd** from **Roy W. Harper Jr.**** ** _

_****While **Gordon** placed **Harper** in cuffs (double-locked for security and comfort), she observed a syringe fall from the pocket of **Roy W. Harper Jr.** Having reasonable suspicion to perform a search, **Gordon** had your affiant perform a frisk, where your affiant discovered a small zip-lock bag containing a substance my training and experience has taught me to recognize as heroin, a Schedule I controlled substance.** ** _

_******Roy W. Harper Jr.** was taken into custody and booked into Gotham Metro without incident.** ** _

_****I swear or affirm under penalty of perjury that the forgoing representations are true.** ** _

_****/s/ Richard J. Grayson** _  
_ ** _

__

He sighed and glanced it over one last time. Gordon had been on his ass about every damn report he sent in, it seemed. No matter what he wrote, the DA wanted it done different. Sometimes he wished he’d never voted for Harvey Dent.

Dick stretched and submitted the affidavit for approval, promising himself he’d make a full report and get Barbara’s supplemental first thing in the morning. He glanced at the door leading from his bedroom to the living room, debating whether or not he should check on Jason.

He shouldn’t have brought him home. He should’ve pushed harder to find someone the other man knew. But no, he had to go off and break protocol. Still, it’s what he wished someone would have done for him.

He pulled a knee to his chest and stared up at the ceiling, and debated calling Wally, his former partner from the Bludhaven Police Department. Wally, who had had to respond to the stabbing. Wally, who had insisted Dick not read the report, but he had anyway, wanting to see things from his best friend’s perspective.

He could still see the PC Affidavit in his head, even more than a year later.

_**  
Affidavit for Probable Cause**_

_**Special Prosecutor Requested** _

_**Warrant Requested** _

_**Wallace West, a two-year veteran with the Bludhaven Police Department, swears or affirms that he believes and has good cause to believe that Catalina M. Flores on or about October 15, 2014 in Hudson County, State of New Jersey, committed the offenses of Rape (a Level 3 Felony) and Battery by Means of a Deadly Weapon (a Level 5 Felony). To wit:** _

_**On Thursday, October 16, 2014 at approximately 02:13, Richard J. Grayson (complainant / victim), age 22, went to the Bludhaven General Hospital located at 4902 E. West Street in Bludhaven, New Jersey, claiming to have been drugged, raped, and stabbed by his fiancée, Catalina Flores (arrested). Your affiant responded to the hospital Emergency Room and took an initial report from Grayson. Your affiant notified Cpl. Johnson and Det. Reynolds of the alleged events.** _

_**Your affiant interviewed Richard Grayson on Friday, October 16, and he disclosed that he had been staying with Flores after his apartment complex had been blown up several months prior (see case 14-5528). He had gotten home from his job where he worked second-shift at the Bludhaven Police Department. He reported that Flores had handed him a mug of what appeared to be hot tea, and that he drank it.** _

_**A few hours later, Grayson reported that he had become nearly immobile, and that Flores had engaged in sexual activity with Grayson despite verbal protests.** _

_**Grayson reported that a few hours after the activity, Grayson had confronted Flores about what had occurred. Flores had become irate and had stabbed Grayson in the stomach with a kitchen knife before leaving the apartment located at 1616 E. Cherry St. #644.** _

_**I swear or affirm under penalty of perjury that the forgoing representations are true.** _

_**/s/ Wallace West** _  
_ _

__

The documents that came from the DA’s office had been even worse. It was unreal, seeing everything that had happened to him stripped down to the bare bones, stripped down to nothing but legal jargon.

Dent had wanted to dismiss the rape count almost as soon as it had come across his desk. 

Luckily he had recused himself from the case and given it to the DA from the county next door.

Dick had met with more people than he could count, spent weeks telling complete strangers about everything that had happened, even though he couldn’t bring himself to discuss the matters with his family.

Bruce had pressed, but eventually dropped it. Damian hadn’t mentioned it at all. Tim was quiet about it, but Dick had no doubt in his mind the middle child had hacked into the police databases and court system to find out what exactly had happened.

Because Tim had been the one to inform Dick that Catalina had bargained the rape charge down to sexual battery. 

Still, with that charge alongside battery by means of a deadly weapon, she was set to go away for five years, even though only two of them would be executed.

He didn’t want to think about her getting out in a matter of months.

There was a No Contact Order in place, but he’d just witnessed the uselessness of that piece of paper first hand. 

He rubbed his eyes and decided on a shower, not wanting to sleep that night, doubting that he even could.

* * *

He had trudged his way into work the next morning after dropping Jason off at Jason’s apartment. Dick had insisted that it was fine if the other man wanted, or needed, to stay a few days longer, but he had argued that he was fine and that he didn’t want to intrude. “Grayson,” Dick groaned when he heard his name called not two minutes after he had clocked in. He glanced up at the commissioner. “Make sure that report’s on my desk by noon.”

“Understood,” Dick nodded and sat at his desk, staring blankly at his computer screen, wondering, not for the first time, they were still using such out of date equipment. It wasn’t like the department didn’t have money coming in, even if some of the sources were more than a bit shady.

He blinked when he felt his phone vibrate, and despite it being against department policy, checked it, sighing when he saw a text from Tim. _‘Hey. You missed dinner. Everything ok?’_ Shit. He had been so caught up in making sure Jason was okay that he hadn’t even thought to text Bruce or Alfred to let them know he wasn’t coming. Given what had been going on the last time he was missing family dinners, he was surprised Bruce hadn’t broken his door down to make sure he was okay.

_‘Fine,’ he assured. ‘Sorry I didn’t text. Something came up at work. You’re up early for you.’_

_‘And you’re supposed to be at work :).’_

He chuckled and pocketed his phone, starting to work on his full report, making sure to grab Roy Harper’s criminal history to forward over to Dent. He knew he shouldn’t have read through the details, but he couldn’t help it. He’d been curious ever since Jason had shown up at the support group, but he’d never crossed that line.

Granted he hadn’t known Roy’s last name until the night prior.

_**06C01-1602-CM-433: Domestic Battery Resulting in Bodily Injury. Pending. Victim: Jason P. Todd. NCO Issued**_

__****

_**06C01-1512-F6-4452: Possession of a Syringe. Decided. Guilty Plea: Possession of a Syringe, a Level 6 Felony. 365 days. All suspended.** _

****

_**06C01-1511-CM-4430: Domestic Battery. Dismissed. Victim: Jason P. Todd. NCO Dismissed** _

****

_**06C01-1509-F6-3329: Possession of a Narcotic Drug. Decided. Guilty Plea: Possession of a Narcotic Drug . A Level 6 Felony. 265 days. 65 Home Incarceration Program. 200 suspended. Court Drug and Alcohol Program.** _ ********

********

****

****

_**06C01-1503-CM-554: Operating a Vehicle With an ACE of .15 or More. Decided. Guilty Plea: Operating a Vehicle With an ACE of .08 or More. A Class B Misdemeanor.40 hours community service. Court Drug and Alcohol Program.** _

****

****

****

_**06C01-1411-CM-4412: Intimidation. Dismissed. Victim: Oliver J. Queen. Protective Order Dismissed**_  
.

****

****

****

_**06C01-1411-CM-4399: Operating a Vehicle With a Sched. 1 Controlled Substance or its Metabolite in the Body: Decided. Guilty Plea: Reckless Driving. A Class B Misdemeanor. 30 days. All suspended.** _

****

****

****

“God, Jason,” Dick shook his head and scrolled through the rest. It seemed Roy had been in and out of trouble since he’d turned eighteen. No doubt he had a juvenile record too, though Dick couldn’t access that. “What did you get yourself into?”

****

 

****

* * *

He didn’t know what had triggered it. 

****

He had been on a short break, grabbing a cup of coffee from the break room, laughing about some stupid cases with a fellow officer, who had patted Dick on the back.

****

And Dick had frozen.

****

And hated himself for it because even now, almost a year and a half later, he hated unexpected contact. 

****

And all he could feel were her hands on him. All he could hear was her voice. _“That’s right, baby,”_ ringing in his ears. _“Quiet, mi amor callado.”_ He could still feel her fingers in his hair, her hand running down his chest. He had wanted to scream. God he had wanted to scream, but her hand had been over his mouth and he should have been able to fight her off and…

****

“Grayson?” he heard a familiar voice ask, but he couldn’t quite place it. It was too far away, too distant. Because all he could see was the rain pouring from the spot in the window he had been staring at while she had been on top of him even though he had told her had sworn he had told her to stop, not to touch him. _“That’s right, baby…”_

****

He tensed when he felt his arms being grabbed by someone he knew he was supposed to trust, as he was forced into a sitting position with his back to the wall. “Deep breaths,” he heard a voice, a female voice say, one that wasn’t hers, but it was twisting with hers, and he shut his eyes trying to drown it out.

****

He couldn’t breathe. His lungs wouldn’t fill up no matter how hard he tried. He was being crushed by something he couldn’t see. His head felt like it was going to explode. He couldn’t feel his hand. He was certain he was losing his mind.

****

“Call an ambulance?” he heard a male voice ask. He knew it must have been nearby, but God it seemed so damn far.

****

“Will be fine,” he heard the female voice reply. _“It’s all right, baby…”_ Catalina’s laugh rang in his head. “Panic attack.” He vaguely felt something tapping on his wrist, one voice counting softly, one voice trying to tell him he was safe, that nothing was going to happen. “Twenty. Twenty-one. Twenty-two,” he heard the counting voice, the female voice, the male voice trying to get Dick to count with her.

****

He took a shaky breath as Barbara started to fade back into focus.

****

He couldn’t even count with her until she got to fifty-three.

****

 

****

* * *

Commissioner Gordon had sent him home early, insisted that there was no point in trying to work while he was that worked up. That it wasn’t a punishment. And Dick couldn’t help but wonder how much influence Bruce really had in the GCPD because he’d seen people fired for less than having a nervous episode in the middle of the break room.

****

Still, he was grateful, and he hadn’t even argued that he was okay to stay and work, because he honestly wasn’t sure he was.

****

Though he had groaned when he saw Bruce’s imported car sitting outside the station in one of the 30-minute parking spaces, his adoptive father standing outside the driver’s side looking right at him. Because _of course_ Bruce’s best buddy James Gordon had called to let him know about Dick’s little freak out.

****

“I can…” he started to argue, but Bruce had a hand up.

****

“I know you can,” Bruce replied. “But you shouldn’t and you know it. So get in the car.”

****

Dick just nodded and slid into the passenger seat, leaning his head against the window after fastening his seatbelt. He was glad Bruce didn’t bring it up as he drove them back to the Wayne Manor, but he knew the man wouldn’t keep playing this game with him. 

****

He didn’t even try to argue when Bruce handed him an orange bottle with a white cap and a bottle of water, sealed he couldn’t help but notice and smile a bit. _**Grayson, Richard J. Lorazepam. 10 mg. Take 3 times a day for 30 days, then as needed to treat anxiety.**_

****

It was the third time this month someone had had to come pick him up from somewhere.

****

 

****

* * *

He woke at four in the morning when he heard his phone go off, and it took him a moment to remember why nothing looked like his apartment. He had stayed at the manor more on Alfred’s insistence than on Bruce’s. He frowned when he felt a shape clinging to him, but smiled slightly when he saw that it was just Damian, wondering when his little brother had sneaked into the room, hoping it hadn't been another nightmare that had sent the boy there.

****

Careful not to wake the sleeping boy, Dick checked his phone, unable to stop a smile when he saw an Instagram notification. _‘Jaybird is now following you!’_

****

He unlocked the phone and flipped through Jason’s posts. There hadn’t been many from the past several months, and he didn’t doubt Roy had been behind that. And he had felt his heart drop when he saw the other pictures, pictures of a happy Jason and Roy wrapped in each other’s arms, pictures of them with a redhead Dick didn’t know, all laughing. Videos of them shopping together, hanging out, acting their age, looking happy. 

****

Despite his better judgment, Dick followed him back, and decided to check Facebook as well, his heart dropping even more when he saw that Jason still had his status set to _“In a Relationship with Roy Harper,”_ when he saw how many people had liked the initial post, about how great the two would be for each other…

****

“Get out of there, Jason,” he sighed deeply and locked his phone again, setting it back on the nightstand. He shut his eyes and fell back to sleep, even if it was restless at best. _“He loves me, okay?”_ he could still hear Jason defending.

****

 

****

He had gotten a text from Commissioner Gordon early the next morning, telling him to go ahead and take the day off to recover. Dick sighed and pocketed his phone, and moved carefully so as not to wake the still-sleeping Damian. Had he been anyone other than Gordon’s best friend’s adoptive son he doubted he would have received as much leniency and understanding. He was surprised he even got that much, especially since the man’s daughter was his ex-fiancée.

****

Dick fell hard and he fell fast. He knew that. It was something he was trying to work through in all the therapy sessions Bruce still insisted he go to. He needed to learn to slow down, to stop trying to please everyone.

****

He rolled his eyes when he saw Jason’s number pop up on his phone. _‘Hey. Thanks for the other night.’_

****

Dick smiled slightly and leaned against the wall, near his door. _‘No problem. What any decent person would do.’_

****

‘ _Sorry u had to see that. He’s usually not that bad.’_

****

Dick sighed and pocketed his phone once more, knowing if he tried to have that conversation at that moment, he would send things he would regret. Because of course Jason was still defending Roy. Just like Dick had tried to defend Catalina for a long, long time. And here he was, a year and a half later, still telling himself that she wasn’t that bad.

****

He decided to let Damian sleep a little longer and headed down to the kitchen. Tim would still be asleep. Bruce would be at work. He would only have to deal with Alfred, and he knew Alfred wouldn’t try to push him to talk about anything, or worse, pity him.

****

He couldn’t help but smile when he saw a box of his favorite cereal set out on the kitchen island.

****

Sometimes, he had to admit, it really was nice to have someone care about him.

****

 

****

* * *

He had been so embarrassed when he had walked into that gymnasium for the first time, but Dick had to admit that those women had really helped him, maybe even more than the meds and the individual therapy Bruce had forced him into had. Because they understood, even if half of them ended up going back to their abuser. No one had even once pointed out that he had been nearly twice his fiancée’s size and should have been able to fight her off. 

****

“Hey,” Jason sighed and slid into his usual seat next to Dick, and Dick would have been lying if he said he wasn’t surprised the other man in the group had made an appearance. “What’s up?”

****

“Same as usual,” Dick shrugged, trying not to look at Jason. He wanted to scream at him to stop making excuses for Roy, to get out. He had been so damn sure that relationship was over when he and Barbara had made the arrest. Jason had seem so done. And not even a week later, he was back to making excuses. “Saw Roy bonded out.”

****

Jason nodded and ran a hand through his hair. “Yeah. His adoptive father got him out. He’s staying with him until the case gets resolved.”

****

“And after?” Dick pressed, finally turning to face the younger man.

****

“I don’t know,” Jason sighed deeply and stared up at the ceiling, green eyes dull, lifeless.

****

Dick would have paid anything to see them bright and happy again.

****


	3. Lies of the Beautiful People

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is an attempted sexual assault in this chapter.

His phone had been blowing up with notifications for two days. Some had been positive. 

_‘Goldie followed you back!’_

_‘Your Q-core order is scheduled for delivery.’_

_‘Man, fuck Roy. Always knew you could do better.’_

The majority, however, had been overwhelmingly negative in nature.

_‘What the fuck, Jay? Roy would never do anything like that.’_

_‘What the hell is wrong with you?’_

_‘What did you do this time?’_

_‘Babe, don’t be like that. Talk to me.’_

He wanted to smash his phone, to throw it against the wall and see it shatter into thousands of tiny pieces he would never be able to reassemble no matter how hard he tried. But if he did that, if he gave into his anger, he was no better than Roy, and Jason wanted nothing less than to be more like Roy.

He tried to focus on his paper. His capstone for the literature program was killing him, and he was determined to prove everyone who had said some kid from Crime Alley could never get a degree wrong. If nothing else, it gave him a distraction from everything else going on in his life.

Roy had bonded out, though that didn’t surprise Jason in the slightest. Ollie had bailed him out every damn time he’d gotten arrested. Roy would stay in Star City for a few days before invariably turning back up at the apartment. Jason needed to move if he wanted to get away from his boyfriend, he knew that.

But he had no place else to go.

The conversation with Kory had been especially bad. He had thought she would have sided with him, but no. The minute she found out Roy had been arrested (again), she had bombarded his phone with messages asking what he’d lied about that time. 

He didn’t want to continue intruding on Dick. That one night had been awkward enough, not to mention his sort-of friend was slowly getting fed up with him for defending Roy.

Jason didn’t even know why he bothered anymore. This was the fourth time Roy had been arrested because of him, and he kept making excuses, kept coming up with more and more creative lies. And he was sick and tired of it.

 _‘Come on, Jaybird,’_ a message popped up on his phone. _‘Can we please talk about this?’_

 _‘Stop texting me,’_ Jason had responded. _‘NCO, remember? You could get in trouble.’_

 _‘I’m already in trouble,’_ Roy had responded, and Jason was grateful that there were multiple cities between him and his boyfriend. At least he assumed they were still together, even if he wasn’t really sure he wanted to be. Because Roy always found a way to keep him close. _‘No thanks to you.’_

 _‘Yeah, well maybe you should complain to your girlfriend,’_ Jason locked his phone and threw it to the other side of the bed. He needed to focus on his paper, needed to pass so he could graduate and get a real job and get the hell out of Roy Harper’s clutches.

* * *

He had woken not to his usual five alarms, but to a knock on the door. Jason groaned and pulled himself out of bed, pulled one of Roy’s hoodies on and headed over to the door, wondering who the hell was showing up at seven in the morning. “Yeah?” he opened the door and frowned when he saw a tall, dark haired woman standing before him, one of the most attractive women he’d ever met.

“Is Roy here?” she asked, and Jason felt his blood boil because deep in his gut he knew it was her, the one that Roy had been seeing and fucking behind his back. A frown crossed her features as she looked Jason over. “Who are you?”

“His boyfriend,” Jason answered through gritted teeth, not even caring if it wasn’t technically true anymore. Because maybe if he could get her out of the picture Roy would go back to his old self. If he started acting better, maybe Roy would love him again… “Who the hell are you?”

“It’s not important,” she had responded quickly, too quickly for Jason’s liking, and he fought every urge he had to slam that door shut on her face. “Do you know when he’ll be back?”

“Don’t know,” Jason had responded. “And I really don’t care.” And with that, he did slam the door in her face.

He turned to study the apartment he’d lived in over the past several months, trying to remember the happy moments. But all he could picture was Roy and her together, everywhere. All he could feel was his back slamming against the wall or the floor or the countertop.

And in that moment, he felt nothing but raw, unadulterated hatred toward them both.

* * *

He started looking forward to the meetings, if only because he knew he would run into Dick. After the initial awkwardness after Roy’s arrest, things had smoothed over. He was almost willing to call the other man a friend. Even if it was only a matter of time before Dick got sick of him and left. Everyone else always did.

“Hey Jason,” one of the women had smiled and approached him. Jason resisted the urge to roll his eyes. “How are you holding up?”

“’M fine,” Jason had responded and tried to get past her to get to the snack table, even though he wasn’t really that hungry. He just needed something to do with his hands.

She had started speaking again, but Jason had completely tuned her out. How many times did he have to tell his fellow group members that he didn’t want to hang out after the meeting? He just wanted to go home and try to relax, even if he doubted he could, not when the apartment held nothing but memories of Roy.

“You okay, man?” Dick had asked when Jason took his usual seat.

“Fine,” Jason had snapped and tried to focus on the cup of water in his hands. _She_ had been showing up at the apartment on a daily basis demanding to know where Roy was, even though Jason had threatened to call the cops if she showed up again. 

“Okay,” Dick had held his hands up and sat beside him. Jason felt bad for snapping at him, he honestly did, but he wasn’t going to apologize. If he apologized, Dick would press to find out what was really wrong, and Jason didn’t even know what was really wrong anymore because everything had gone to hell in a matter of days. “But you know, if you’re ever not fine, you know where to find me.”

“Yeah,” Jason had muttered and glanced around the group, wondering why he even bothered coming anymore. He hadn’t spoken to the group in any of the sessions, and he didn’t plan on doing it any time soon. Still, maybe it was nice to be surrounded by people who understood, people who even understood why he couldn’t just leave. Because no matter what shit Roy put him through, Jason still loved him and wanted him to do better.

He just couldn’t take it anymore.

* * *

Jason froze when he entered his apartment. He’d already been having a shitty day, having found out his professor hated his paper, or at least what little existed of it, that he was about to fail his last gen ed requirement, and that he was on the last straw with his boss because he’d shown up late to his shift. Again.

And the absolute last thing he needed was to see Roy leaned against the counter, arms crossed, glaring daggers at Jason. “Are you stupid?” Jason had demanded, not even caring that it would piss Roy off. “Do you seriously want to risk _another_ Invasion of Privacy charge?”

“You weren't returning my texts,” Roy had responded, voice colder, deadlier than Jason had ever heard it in his life. His heart was beating a mile a minute, and he resisted the urge to pull his phone out and call someone.

“I wonder why?” Jason had laughed dryly. “Maybe because there’s a fucking court order saying you aren’t supposed to text me?”

“Didn’t stop you last time,” Roy responded, and Jason’s heart caught in his throat when his boyfriend, at least he assumed they were still _technically_ together, had him pinned against the wall. 

“What the fuck do you want, Roy?” Jason demanded and tried to get out of the older man’s grip, but Roy was too strong, and Jason was too terrified to do much.

“To know why the fuck you’re seeing someone behind my back,” Roy responded, and Jason just stared at him, disbelief in his eyes. “Kory keeps seeing you with some cop.”

“I’m not seeing anyone,” Jason defended. “And that’s just great coming from you. Your stupid girlfriend keeps showing up, you know that?”

He was expecting to be hit. He was expecting to have his head slammed into the wall. He could handle that. He’d been handling that for months.

He wasn’t expecting Roy to kiss him. 

And for the second time since they’d been together, Jason didn’t want to kiss him back. After a moment of hesitation, he was able to shove Roy away. “What the _fuck_ , Roy?!” he shouted, not even caring if the neighbors heard anymore.

“Just reminding you who you belong to, Jaybird,” Roy responded. Jason tried to get away again, but Roy had grabbed his wrists, digging his nails down hard enough to draw blood. Jason gritted his teeth, hoping he didn’t look nearly as terrified as he felt.

“I don’t belong to anyone,” Jason said, nearly matching Roy’s low, deadly calm tone from earlier. “Especially not you.”

Roy did hit him that time, and Jason didn’t even care. It gave him a window of opportunity to duck under Roy’s arm and get away from the wall he’d been pinned to. But he hadn’t been quick enough, and Roy had grabbed him from behind, holding his waist with one hand and covering his mouth with the other. “Come on, Jay. Don’t be like that.” His lips were on Jason’s neck, and Jason didn’t know if he wanted to scream, throw up, or both.

Instinct took over more than anything else, and he elbowed Roy in the stomach, pulling free when the man’s grip loosened. 

He grabbed his phone and sprinted out of the apartment, not even caring that he didn’t have anywhere else to go.

* * *

He was soaked to the bone. His phone was only at half battery. He had no charger. He’d left his wallet, his ID, and everything except the ten dollars he had in his pocket back at the apartment. And there was no way in hell Jason was going back there that night, maybe not even ever.

It was three in the morning. Everything was closed. He had wandered into an alleyway near his old home, if he could even call it that, and leaned against the wall, checking his phone against his better judgment. _‘Jaybird, I’m sorry. Please come home. We can work through this.’_

_‘Jason, seriously. You made your point. Come home.’_

_‘Fine. You know what? Don’t even bother coming back.’_

_‘I only went out with you because I felt sorry for you anyway.’_

_‘Timber is now following you!’_

_‘Gotham National Bank Alert. Your account has been frozen for suspected fraudulent activity. Please call 1-800-344-8756 for options.’_

_‘Roy Harper changed his relationship status from ‘In a Relationship with Jason Todd’ to ‘Single.’’_

He shut his eyes tightly and sank to the filthy ground, back to the brick wall of some business acting as a front for a drug operation. He could hear his heartbeat thumping in his ears. He couldn’t catch his breath. He was pretty sure the rain wasn’t the only thing making his face wet.

He didn’t remember dialing Dick’s number, but he must have because a familiar, if not groggy, voice had answered on the other end. “Jason?” he had asked, and Jason hated himself for waking the other man up. Roy would have been furious if it had been him… “Everything okay?”

Jason shook his head, forgetting that Dick couldn’t see him through the phone. No, he wasn’t okay. Nothing was okay. Nothing was ever going to be okay again. 

“Jason?” a suddenly more alert Dick Grayson had repeated. “Where are you? Are you okay?”

He thought about just ending the call, but he didn’t want to worry his friend more than he already had. “I just…” he trailed off, his voice sounding as far away as his mind felt. “Sorry I woke you up.”

“It’s fine,” Dick insisted. “What’s going on? What happened?”

Jason shut his eyes tightly and took a shaky breath. “Can you come get me?” he asked, even though he knew that Dick would say no, that it was far too late to be out looking for someone, that it was inappropriate that Jason had even asked in the first place…

“I’m on my way,” Dick had responded, and Jason was certain he had misheard. “Where are you?” and Jason had told him as best as he could. “I’ll be there in twenty,” he promised. “Stay on the line, okay?”

“Okay,” Jason said softly, so softly he was certain that Dick couldn’t have heard him. He wrapped himself more tightly in the red hoodie he’d stolen from Roy’s closet right after they had first moved in together, the one that smelled like stale cigarettes and whiskey, wishing that he could have stopped everything from happening. _You should have been better_ , the voice in his head berated. _Then none of this would have happened. You should have been better._

* * *

The ride from Gotham to Dick’s apartment in Bludhaven had been silent but not tense, something Jason was grateful for. Dick had brought him an extra jacket and had made sure to turn his car’s heater on even though it was fairly warm outside. Jason had sat with his head against the windowpane, watching the road fly by.

He followed Dick into the apartment. “Couch is all yours,” Dick had said before disappearing to his room and returning with a towel, some sweats, and a Bludhaven PD Shop With a Cop t-shirt that smelled like fabric softener and cheap coffee. “Shower’s through there if you want.”

“Thanks,” Jason had muttered, taken the things, and headed into the bathroom. He threw Roy’s sweatshirt into the corner, not caring if he never saw it again, and turned the water on as hot as it would go. He undressed and stepped into the shower, hissing when the scalding water hit his bare skin.

Had he been there for any other reason, Jason would have laughed at just how many products Dick had in the shower. But he was too preoccupied to make too much of a note of it. He had scrubbed his skin raw trying to get Roy off of him, trying not to think of what would have happened if he hadn’t been able to escape.

He turned the water off, even though he still didn’t feel completely clean, and threw on the clothes Dick had loaned him, trying to avoid the mirror as best he could. He already felt the bruises forming on his back and wrists. He didn’t need to see them too.

He made his way out of the bathroom and back to the living room and sat next to Dick on the couch. “Thanks again,” he said. “For everything.”

“Any time,” Dick replied and turned to face him. “Want to talk about it?”

“Not really,” Jason hugged a knee to his chest.

“Okay,” Dick sighed, and Jason hated himself for staring at his perfect mouth because the last thing he should have been thinking about in that moment was how damn perfect Dick Grayson was and how much he wanted to kiss him.

And before Jason knew what he was doing, he had leaned in and kissed Dick Grayson. And it had been needy and desperate and wonderful all at the same time. And Dick had kissed him back and before he knew it, Jason was laying back against the couch, pulling Dick on top of him… And Dick had moved away from him, and Jason berated himself for being such a damn idiot because now he was certain Dick was going to hate him and never want to see him again. “I’m sorry. I…”

“It’s okay,” Dick held up a hand after taking a long, shaky breath, one Jason would have sworn was a bit panicked if he hadn’t known any better. “It’s just… you’re in shock, okay? A lot happened to you tonight. And I don’t think you want this as much as you think you do right now.” Jason just nodded again, not daring to say anything out of fear that he would just make the situation worse. “It’s not a no, okay?” Dick asked, looking him in the eye. Jason nodded again, unable to look at him, wondering how it was possible Dick wasn’t screaming at him for screwing up. “It’s a not right now.”

“Okay,” Jason responded, his voice weak, broken. 

Because Roy was right. 

No one else was ever going to love him.

* * *

After reassuring Jason that he hadn’t done anything wrong or horrible or awful, Dick had gone off to bed, leaving Jason alone with his thoughts. He had thought about trying to sleep, but he doubted sleep would come. He had borrowed Dick’s phone charger, and against his better thoughts, found himself Facebook stalking Roy. _‘Roy Harper changed his relationship status from ‘In a Relationship with Jason Todd’ to ‘Single.’’ ‘Good,’_ one commenter had responded. _‘Always knew you could do better.’ ‘You okay man?’ ‘What happened? Text me!’_

_‘Roy Harper changed his relationship status from ‘Single’ to ‘In a Relationship with Jade Nguyen.’’_

Jason shut his eyes tightly and took a deep, shaky breath before opening them again. He thought about reading through the comments on that, but he knew nothing good would come out of it. He couldn’t even wait twelve Goddamn hours. 

He left Roy’s profile and searched through Dick’s, more out of curiosity than anything else, and cringed when he saw just how many relationships his friend, and if he was being honest with himself, his crush, had been in. Hell, the man was twenty-four and had already been engaged twice. Not to mention it seemed like he was still good friends with the non-abusive ex-fiancée, the other officer who had responded to his and Roy’s apartment.

Jason had only ever seriously dated Roy. They’d gotten together when Roy had been finishing his degree and Jason had just been starting his. He had thought they would be together forever. 

And for once, he was glad that he had been wrong.


	4. Misguided Ghosts

Dick was proud of himself for how he had handled things with Jason. The kiss had caught him off guard, but he would be lying to himself if he said he didn’t enjoy it. Still, it had been wrong. Jason needed a friend more than he needed a boyfriend. And Dick needed to get his shit together before he even started to _think_ about entering into another relationship.

After assuring his friend he’d done nothing wrong for the hundredth time, he had gone back to his room and lay in his bed. He shut his eyes, taking several slow, deep breaths, trying to calm his heart rate and stop his racing thoughts. Because Catalina had been the first person to pop in his head when Jason had kissed him, and he absolutely hated that she still had that affect on him.

Because even then, not two hours after Jason had kissed him, the memory was already twisting with memories of her. And he hated that not all of them were bad. Hell, if she had been bad all of the time, he would have gotten the hell out of there… Jason’s smile was twisting with her smirk. His apologizes were twisting with her threats.

He screwed his eyes shut, trying to get everything to stop. He tried to breathe, tried to ground himself to the present moment and stop obsessing over the past, but the raw emotion from that kiss had messed with his mind in ways he didn’t want to start to think about.

It took almost twenty minutes to calm his racing thoughts.

He was glad Jason had decided to stay, and he had assured his friend he could stay as long as he needed. If anything, Jason being there kept Dick there, because keeping Jason happy and feeling safe was more important than hunting down Roy Harper and breaking his nose.

Not to mention Gordon would probably frown upon that. Bruce had pull, but Dick doubted he had enough pull to get an Official Misconduct charge dropped. No matter how much the bastard deserved to get his face punched in.

He didn’t know everything that had happened to Jason that night. Truth be told, he wasn’t sure he wanted to know the details. But his friend had called him in the middle of the night to come get him, and Dick hadn’t even hesitated. He knew what it was like to feel alone, isolated, like no one was ever going to help or love him again. And he never wanted Jason to feel like he couldn’t count on anyone.

Because like it or not, Jason Todd was the glimmer of light in the hell his life had become, and Dick was determined to keep that light burning.

Sometimes he felt like it was the only thing he had.

* * *

Dick had always been a light sleeper. Part of it had come with growing up in the circus and all the craziness that came alongside it. Part of it had come with coming home with Bruce, not knowing what was going to happen next. Part of it had come with Bruce, on two separate occasions, bringing someone in to live with them that Dick didn’t know and, at the time, couldn’t trust. Damian had always made fun of him for it. He could hear a pin drop three floors down and complain it had been too loud. Tim, on the other hand, could sleep through the Armageddon. It was the only thing Damian preferred about the middle child.

It wasn’t a pin drop that had woken him, though. It was thrashing and quiet, strangled sounds coming from the living room. 

He rolled out of bed and made his way out of his bedroom and into the living room, not at all surprised to see Jason tossing and turning on the couch, twisted blankets on the floor, muttering things Dick couldn’t quite comprehend. 

He was no stranger to nightmares. He’d had horrific ones ever since he’d seen his parents fall to their deaths. They had disappeared for a good, long while, but had resurfaced more intensely after everything that had gone on with Catalina. Sometimes, he’d learned, it was best if people just let him live through them. 

But he doubted this was one of those times.

Jason tensed when Dick shook his shoulder. “Hey man,” he yawned. “Need to wake up. Just a bad dream.” Jason had subconsciously, weakly, shoved him away, but Dick shook his shoulder again. “Come on, Jason. It’s not real. Wake up.”

A brief flash of green greeted Dick before Jason’s eyes closed again. His breathing had changed to become more regular, though, more controlled. Dick helped him into a sitting position, and Jason muttered an almost unintelligible “Thanks.”

“Roy?” Dick asked, and Jason shook his head. For once, Dick was certain he wasn’t lying to him. “Parents?” he pressed, and Jason nodded that time. Dick sighed and sat beside Jason, wrapping an arm around the younger man’s shoulders. “I see mine all the time too,” he commented, keeping his voice soft and low. Jason shut his eyes and rested his head on Dick’s shoulder. 

“I wasn’t supposed to end up like them,” Jason muttered. Dick nodded and played with his hair, something that had always calmed Dick as a child, something he hoped would help to calm Jason then. 

“I know,” Dick replied, even though he didn’t. His parents had been wonderful, kind, loving people. And from everything he knew about Jason’s parents, the Todds weren’t. He just needed Jason to feel safe and understood so that he could calm down and relax. “It’s okay. You’re okay. Everything’s going to be okay.”

* * *

His heart sank when he checked the mail and saw Harvey Dent’s seal in the corner of the envelope. He never got good news from that office. But at least when they had sent him the letter about the plea deal, he’d gotten a heads-up from Tim. This one had completely blindsided him.

_The Office of Harvey Dent, District Attorney_

**_State of New Jersey vs. Catalina M. Flores 06D01-1410-F3-3217_ **

_Richard J. Grayson:_

_I am the Victim’s Assistance coordinator with the Office of the Hudson County District Attorney. As a victim of a crime, you have certain rights throughout the criminal justice process. Per your request to my predecessor to be informed of changes regarding the status of Catalina M. Flores, I am sending this letter._

_As you are aware, Ms. Flores was initially set to be released from the Hudson County Women’s Prison on December 16, 2016. However, due to credit earned for maintaining good behavior, her release has been moved up to July 9, 2016._

_Please feel free to contact our office if you have any questions or concerns._

He had to read it twice to make sure he understood.

And he had ripped it to shreds and thrown it on the floor promising himself he would clean it up later.

He couldn’t think.

He couldn’t breathe.

And he couldn’t tell the one person that would understand about it because Jason needed to worry about himself and his own mental well-being. He didn’t need to have Dick complaining to him, not when Roy still hadn’t been found guilty or changed a plea, not when Roy was still out there and could still hurt him.

At least Dick still had a few months of relative stability left in his life.

He would tell Jason.

At least eventually.

At least, that’s what he told himself.

* * *

Jason had gone to get some things from his apartment in Gotham. Dick had offered to go with him, but Jason had insisted it was something he wanted to do alone. Still, Dick was worried sick about his friend and had kept his phone handy just in case he got another panicked phone call.

He’d gone to visit the family, more out of wanting to be closer to Jason and Roy’s apartment than a desire to actually see them, as much as he hated to admit it. He had forgotten it was a weekday, though. Damian and Tim were in school. He had thought Bruce would be at work (When was he not at work?) but Alfred had informed Dick that Bruce was in his study and that he really should pay his father a visit.

Dick leaned against the side of the door, watching Bruce agonize over various reports for a moment before forcing a smile and knocking on the wall. Bruce frowned in confusion before blinking up and smiling. “You know you don’t have to knock.”

“Didn’t want to scare you,” Dick’s smile turned a bit more genuine and he moved from the doorway to one of the chairs across from Bruce’s desk.

“You’ve only scared me twice,” Bruce reminded. “When you wrecked the car and when you almost died on me.”

Dick flinched a bit at the memory. He had argued with the doctors about calling Bruce, but he had been stupid, or smart, enough to list him as an emergency contact, and the hospital had definitely considered the stabbing to be an emergency. “Working on your day off?” he asked, changing the subject.

“Always,” Bruce sighed and pushed the stack of papers to the side. “Not that I’m not thrilled to see you, I am,” he spoke, and Dick could have sworn he heard some caution in his tone. “I am. But it’s not like you to drop in unannounced.”

“Was helping out a friend in the neighborhood,” Dick shrugged. “Thought I’d stop by.”

“I’m glad you did,” Bruce nodded and leaned back in his chair. “So how have you been?” he raised an eyebrow.

“Fine,” Dick lied easily even though he knew Bruce would see right through him. He always did. Bruce sighed but didn’t press the issue further. “How’re Tim and Dami?”

“Worried about you,” Bruce answered. “We all are. Jim said you looked like hell on your shift this morning.”

“Just haven’t been sleeping well. Hard adjusting from second to first shift.” The last thing Bruce needed to know was that Dick had spent his night tracking down and consoling Jason, especially when Dick was still trying to process everything that had happened. He glanced at his phone when he heard it go off. _‘Mind if I stay with you for a few days?’_ Jason asked.

_‘No problem,’_ he answered. _‘Stay as long as you need.’_

“Sorry,” he apologized and glanced back over at Bruce, whose face had turned even more serious. Dick hadn’t even thought that to be possible. He’d only ever seen that look on Bruce’s face a handful of times. “What’s wrong?”

“I know that look, Dick,” Bruce responded. “Are you really in a good position to be getting involved with someone again?”

“I’m not involved with anyone,” Dick assured, even though he knew he was lying to himself about not having feelings for Jason. It would be inappropriate. Both of them needed to get their shit together. Neither of them belonged in any sort of romantic relationship for a good, long while.

“Okay,” Bruce responded, and Dick knew his adoptive father didn’t believe him, something that hurt more than he ever wanted to admit. “Are you staying for dinner?”

“Do I have a choice?” Dick laughed, genuinely laughed, and smiled at the man across from him, wishing that Jason could have had a family even half as good as his own.

* * *

_He couldn’t think. He couldn’t scream. He couldn’t breathe._

_God there was so much blood. He’d never seen that much blood in his life, not even when Tim had accidentally sliced his arm open on an ice skate blade. Not even when his parents fell.._

_And she just stood there smirking, laughing at him. “You aren’t going to leave me, babe. If I can’t have you, no one can.”_

_He backed into the wall and watched her leave. His shirt had already soaked through and his hand he had covering the wound was wet and sticky and warm._

_He was going to die._

_God, he was going to die. He was going to die alone in a shitty apartment in a shitty neighborhood and no one would ever even know until someone found his body lying in the middle of the kitchen floor._

_Their argument kept replaying in his head._

_“You raped me.”_

_“You wanted it.”_

_“You took advantage of me.”_

_“I didn’t take anything you weren’t willing to give. You’re a whore, Dick. You’d never say no."_

_“We’re done.”_

_“You aren’t going to leave me.”_

_God there was so much blood…_

He shot awake when he felt someone shaking his shoulder, and for a moment, an agonizing moment, he thought it was her, that she’d gotten out earlier than expected and she’d hunted him down and now she was going to…

“Dick?” 

He glanced up at the person beside him, at the man beside him, and he tried to catch his breath. She wasn’t there. She didn’t know where he lived. She was safely locked away and she wouldn’t hurt him again…

“Hey,” the man sat beside him, leaving a bit of room between himself and Dick. “It’s okay. You were having a nightmare. I won’t hurt you.”

Dick nodded and propped himself up on his elbows, wishing he could just get his mind to calm down, to shut off so he could process what was going on. _She isn’t here. She isn’t here. She isn’t here._

“Catalina?” Jason asked, and Dick just nodded. And instead of flinching when Jason wrapped an arm around his shoulders, he curled up to his side and completely broke down.

* * *

“My name is Dick Grayson and I was in an abusive relationship,” he had remained seated, most of them did, and glanced around the circle of women, and one man, around him. “And I’m out of it now, but I’m still terrified about what happens next, about what I do next, about where to go from here.” He wrapped his arms around himself. “And I’m just really, really glad that I have you all.”

He hadn’t spoken at a meeting in months, but that letter had broken something fragile inside of him, and he was glad that Bruce had forced him to go to those meetings so long ago because he didn’t think he could make it through without the women, and now man, he’d come to know as friends, family even.

“I think we’re all confused,” Dick had blinked when he heard the familiar voice. Because he was certain he’d never heard it address the group before, even though the body that owned it had been coming for weeks. “I mean, the people we thought we loved, the people who were supposed to care about us, they did some pretty awful shit to us.” Dick blinked and turned to stare at Jason, who, instead of looking guarded and closed off, had become more relaxed, more collected. “And made us all think we needed to stay, that we needed them. Pretty fucked up if you ask me.”

“It’s really fucked up,” one of the girls, a blonde a bit older than Dick laughed dryly. “And we spend years of our lives thinking that it’s normal, that it’s all we deserve. Hell, even police intervention didn’t get me away. Didn’t really believe it was abuse until I got locked up because of him.”

And Jason nodded and glanced around the group once more. “I’m Jason, by the way,” he waved slightly. “Recently out of an abusive relationship.”

Dick had never been more damn proud.

* * *

He and Jason wandered to an older diner after the meeting. Jason had been complaining he was starving, and Dick didn’t feel like burning dinner again. It was hard enough cooking for himself, let alone another person. And, even though he knew he could do it, Dick had to concede that not everyone could live on cereal alone.

“I promise I’ll be out of your hair soon,” Jason said and Dick watched as he pushed an onion ring around on the plate. “I still need to open some new accounts. Roy had all my information.”

“Seriously, man,” Dick took a drink from his coffee mug. “I meant it. Stay as long as you need.”

“Even after what happened?” Jason glanced at him, and Dick took a shaky breath.

They’d been dancing around the topic, neither one wanting to bring it up out of fear of triggering the other. But they needed to talk about it, and Dick knew it. “It’s fine,” he sighed and took another deliberate sip. “Trauma makes us do some pretty weird shit. I about quit my job and joined the mafia. Bruce had to talk me down.”

“I still can’t believe Bruce Wayne’s your mysterious adoptive father,” Jason had smiled. “God that must’ve been like winning the orphan lottery.” Dick didn’t correct him, didn’t tell him that he would have traded all the money in the world to have his parents back. Silence fell over them for longer than Dick would have liked. “You said it wasn’t a no.”

_You’re a whore, Dick. You’d never say no._

Dick sighed again and pushed his mug to the side. Truth be told, he didn’t remember much of what he’d said that night. He’d been too worried about Jason and too angry at Roy to think clearly. “You don’t want to get involved with me, Jason.” 

_I’m poison._

“You don’t know what I want,” Jason responded. “Besides, don’t worry. I need to worry about getting my shit together.” Another silence. “Do you still love her?”

_You wanted it._

“No,” Dick answered, not even having to think about it anymore. He glanced at Jason, and even though he knew he would get an answer he didn’t want, asked, “Do you still love him?”

“Honestly?” Jason asked, and Dick nodded. “I don’t know.”

Dick paid for their food and they left the diner in a silence that lasted through the night.


	5. Mad World

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a mild self-harm passage in this chapter.

He wasn’t sleeping. Not that anyone would have noticed. Dick was early to bed and late to rise, and Jason was already at work by the time his new roommate awoke, at least during the weekday. But the lack of sleep had been starting to catch up to him.

But every time he fell asleep, he was meant by memories he didn’t want to remember, of his father beating his mother. His mother cold and pale and lifeless, a syringe knocked to the side.

Other times, he saw Roy and relived their fucked up relationship like some sick, twisted playback. 

And the worst part?

Jason still didn’t hate him, didn’t think he could ever hate him, much as everyone told him he should.

But he needed to sleep or he was going to lose his mind.

But the only thing worse than the nights were the evenings, when he was left alone with his thoughts and couldn’t keep himself distracted anymore. Dick usually worked late, so his one friend was out, and even though Jason was still in a new-to-him city, he felt no desire to leave the apartment.

He was safe in the apartment. Nothing could hurt him there. Dick wouldn’t let anything happen to him there, and best of all, Roy didn’t know where it was, or even that Jason was out of Gotham, at least during the nights.

He was safe and secure for once in his life.

So why was he still so damn unhappy?

* * *

It was bound to happen sooner or later. Jason just wished it had been anywhere other than the grocery store. He’d reluctantly agreed to go to the new Bludhaven grocery store alongside Dick, after all, he was staying in the apartment rent-free for the time being, the least he could do was help out around the place when he could. Dick had been chatting his ear off about some case or another at work, and Jason had completely tuned him and the rest of the world out.

Until he saw a flash of red hair down the aisle and he felt like the world was coming crashing down around him. “Jason?” he heard Dick ask and saw him start to turn, but Jason was fixated on the man who was only a few feet away. He wasn’t supposed to be there. He wasn’t supposed to know where Jason was. 

“Jason, it’s not him,” Dick tried to reason, but Jason didn’t know what was going on. His heart was pounding in his ears and his stomach was twisting into knots, and God he was so sure he was going to die in the middle of the canned goods aisle.

“It’s not him,” Dick kept repeating, and Jason didn’t remember sitting down, but he must have because his back was against the cheap shelving and his arms were wrapped around his knees, Dick sitting across from him. “It’s okay. You’re okay. I won’t let anything bad happen to you.

Jason wanted to tell him to get up, that the floor would get Dick’s jeans, the ones that Jason knew cost more money than Jason’s entire wardrobe combined, dirty, that he wasn’t worth it and that Dick should just go and finish the grocery shopping, but the words wouldn’t come, not when he was breathing in short, gasping breaths.

Dick had wrapped his Gotham PD jacket around Jason’s shoulders, and Jason played with the fabric, the waterproof, sturdy fabric that was so very different from Roy’s soft, worn hoodies, trying to bring himself back to the present moment. “Come on,” Dick said once Jason’s breathing had evened out. “We’ll come back another day.”

Jason nodded and let the older man help him back up before following him back to the car, wondering why Dick hadn’t screamed at him for making a scene in such a public place. But no, Dick had just turned the radio up and tried to cheer Jason up with some terrible jokes that were so bad they were good.

And by the time they had returned to the apartment, Jason had a smile on his face again.

* * *

Jason had been spending his day off in the living room working on rewriting his paper when he heard a knock at the door. Frowning, he slid his laptop to the side and headed over, surprised that whoever was there didn’t know that Dick worked every-other Saturday. 

He wasn’t sure who he was expecting when he answered the door, but a ten-year-old kid who had the sternest expression Jason had ever seen in his life, and that said a lot coming from a Crime Alley kid, with his arms crossed, glaring daggers at Jason. “Uh… Who are you?”

“Tch,” the boy responded, and Jason wondered how such a small body could hold so much dismissiveness and superiority.

“Seriously kid,” Jason started to close the door, but the boy flung his foot out to stop him. “Do I need to call your parents or something?”

“Is Grayson home?” the boy asked, and something in his tone made Jason think he already knew the answer.

“He’s at work,” Jason answered. “Who are you?”

“Damian Wayne, son of Bruce Wayne, adoptive brother of Richard Grayson,” the boy stated, and Jason just blinked. This was the Damian that Dick gushed over all the time? This was sweet, innocent little Damian who could do no wrong?

The boy, Damian, had strutted into the apartment and closed the door behind him, sitting down on the couch like Jason was sure he’d done hundreds of times before. “Who are you?” he demanded.

“Jason,” the man answered and crossed his arms, wondering how to get the kid to leave. “Look, Dick’s going to be at work…”

“Until approximately four in the afternoon,” Damian had finished for him. “He will stop for food on his way home and walk through the door at approximately 5:15, just like he does every Saturday.”

“Then why are you…”

“Why are you here?” Damian questioned before Jason could even finish his thought. “You do not know him, and you are not in a relationship with him. Why have you been living here?”

For a moment, just a brief moment, Jason wondered if Dick had set his little brother on Jason to scare him away so Dick could maintain his good-guy image. But Jason knew the other man would never do something like that. But the kid had a point. Jason had enough money to find a roommate closer to campus, closer to his job. Yet he had decided to stay with Dick, had even started helping with the rent. Because, Jason had to admit, he loved spending time with the other man, loved spending time with someone who understood what it was like to be scared of shadows and flashes of memories and people that could still hurt them…

“I’m his roommate,” Jason shrugged.

Damian’s glare had intensified, and Jason wondered if Bruce Wayne had taught all of his sons the infamous expression. He’d seen it on Dick a few times, usually after a rough day at the station or any time Jason mentioned Roy.

“Well he is in love with you,” Damian stood and crossed his arms. Jason would have found it intimidating if he didn’t have a good foot on the boy. Still, the words surprised him. Because Dick couldn’t be in love with him. He was unlovable. Roy had made that perfectly clear. His parents had too. 

Damian started to leave, but turned just as he was about to go through the door. “If you hurt him, I will personally shatter every last bone in your body.”

Jason watched as the boy left the apartment, wondering what the hell he’d gotten himself into that time.

* * *

He was spiraling. He needed his mind to be quiet, but it was going at 110 miles-per-hour with no end in site. He had to get up early for work the next morning. It was already past midnight and Jason hadn’t even begun to consider sleeping. And he hated himself for it, but he popped a Benadryl hoping it would knock him out for the night, even though he knew he’d feel like shit the next morning.

But his mind wouldn’t shut up and his chest was tight and he felt like he couldn’t breathe because Roy kept texting him and wouldn’t leave him the fuck alone and so he had popped another Benadryl just to be safe but it was making him dizzy and sick, but what the hell else was he supposed to do?

He was crying, he was pretty sure he was crying, and he didn’t know why because it honestly didn’t matter anymore because no matter what he did or where he went or who he associated himself with, Roy was never going to leave him alone. And he thought about stealing one of the Ativans he knew Dick kept in the medicine cabinet in the bathroom, but he would have to go through Dick’s room to get their and Dick was a light sleeper and…

No. He wasn’t going to do that. That was how Roy had started, popping someone else’s prescription pills. And Jason wasn’t about to go anywhere near that road, not when he’d seen what happened to the people who took it.

Sometimes he thought the only thing worse than the panic was the days he felt nothing at all. The days where the rubber band he’s started wearing around his wrist couldn’t snap down hard enough, even though it was leaving bright red welts on his skin, not unlike some of the injuries Roy had caused him.

In a moment of desperation at work, he’d jabbed a paperclip into his thumb hard enough to draw blood, and he hadn’t felt a thing.

And he still wasn’t sleeping because every time he closed his eyes, he felt Roy pinning him to the wall again. His mind was adding to the memory, things that Jason knew didn’t happen but God they had felt so real and so he spent his days running on pure caffeine and spent his nights with his favorite antihistamine.

He hated himself more and more every God-damned day. He was headed toward self-destruction, but he didn’t care because the only person who cared was Dick Grayson, and he had enough on his plate without having to deal with Jason’s issues too, and he didn’t want Dick to leave him like his other friends had because like it or not, he was falling head over heals for the man, even though he knew Dick would never feel the same way.

But the little demon-spawn’s voice kept ringing in his ears. _“He is in love with you.”_

And Jason really didn’t appreciate the boy’s twisted sense of humor.

No one was ever going to love Jason Todd.

No one ever had.

* * *

He should have unfriended Roy the second he’d run away from their apartment, but he hadn’t. And it seemed Jason enjoyed torturing himself because he checked the feed religiously.

It took him ten seconds to pull up the app.

Fifteen to pull up Roy’s profile. 

Five to scroll to the most recent post.

And a full two minutes to understand why everyone was congratulating him.

He didn’t know if he wanted to laugh, cry, or do some combination of the two. But for once, he didn’t want to keep his anger to himself. He knew if he did, it would eat him alive, and he would turn out just like Roy.

“My name’s Jason,” he addressed the group, the first time he’d ever spoken first at a meeting, and only the second time he’d addressed the group as a whole. “And my cheating bastard of an ex knocked up the girlfriend he was seeing behind my back.”

The group had tried to give him some encouraging words, but Jason was too busy trying to keep his temper in check to really hear them. Dick’s friendly squeeze on his shoulder had been welcome, though and he wished the man would make up his damn mind already because he couldn’t keep seeing him and not having a straight answer on things.

“And I really, really hope he gets his shit together, and I hope he’s good to them,” Jason said once silence had overtaken the group. “For her sake and for their kid’s sake. Because no one deserves to go through the hell I lived in.”

* * *

He headed into the apartment and threw his keys on the little table by the door, feeling sick to his stomach when he saw a not-quite-sober Dick Grayson sprawled out on the couch. Jason wasn’t an idiot. He knew Dick drank. But he’d never come home drunk or even buzzed before.

He braced himself, knowing, just knowing, that that was when everything was going to fall apart. That would be the moment where Dick would admit that he hated Jason, had hated him all along, and that he was just some charity case Dick had adopted to make himself look better. “Hey man,” Dick smiled lazily and stretched, turning to face Jason.

“Hey,” Jason responded curtly. Short had always been best with Roy, and he figured it was his best bet then. “Good dinner with Wally?”

“Was great,” Dick smiled and hugged a throw pillow to his chest. “He’s my best friend,” and Jason had to do his best not to laugh at the dreamy look that had formed on his roommate’s face.

“Good,” Jason hung his jacket up. “You should probably go get some sleep.” A dark look crossed Dick’s face, one Jason only saw when the man was trying to hide something. “What’s wrong?”

“Don’t wanna sleep.”

“Why not?”

“’Cause Catalina’s getting out soon, and I’m scared.” Jason blinked, thinking for a moment that he’d misheard. Catalina wasn’t supposed to get out until late December. It was mid-March. There was still plenty of time. Still, he knew better than to try and invalidate someone’s feelings, especially their fears.

Deciding drunk Dick wasn’t a threat, Jason sat beside him. It didn’t even phase him when Dick immediately latched himself onto his arm. He was the most touchy-feely person Jason had ever met in his life. “Don’t worry,” he said, wrapping his arm around Dick. “I won’t let her hurt you.”

“I know,” Dick responded, and Jason thought he heard a smile in his voice. “You’re the best. That’s part of why I love you.”

“I don’t know what you’re on, Dick, but that’s not funny,” Jason responded, voice cold, guarded. Because no one could ever love him. All he did was ruin lives and screw everything up.

“Not lying,” Dick rolled his eyes and propped himself up to look at Jason. “That would be mean.” Before Jason knew what was happening, Dick had wrapped his arms around his neck and kissed him.

And as much as Jason had fantasized about that, about the day, along with what he always hoped would follow, Jason pushed him away. Dick pouted, God Jason never thought he’d see the day where a grown man, let alone a police officer, pouted. “You’re drunk,” Jason said, trying not to let the memory of every drunken kiss and hookup with Roy intervene. “You should go to bed.”

Dick nodded, but stumbled when he tried to get up. Jason sighed dramatically and helped the older man to his room, making sure he got into bed safely. But as soon as Dick was lying down, he had frozen, and Jason had immediately backed away.

Jason had only seen Dick freeze like that a handful of times, always before a major anxiety attack. But when he tried to back away further to give the man some space, Dick had grabbed him and pulled him down with him. “Dick?” he frowned in confusion. “You okay?’

“Don’t let her hurt me,” Dick said in a quiet, broken voice, one he didn’t know his friend was capable of.

“I won’t,” Jason promised and hugged him close. He would have stayed like that forever if that was what it took to keep Dick feeling safe.

“Happened more than once,” Dick shut his eyes tightly and clung to Jason. Jason nodded and rubbed his back. He had figured as much, but he had never pressed the issue. “Love you,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper.

“You love everyone,” Jason rolled his eyes.

“Not like you,” Dick replied, his voice heavy with sleep. Jason didn’t doubt he’d be out in a matter of minutes, if not seconds. “ _Love_ love you.”

Jason rolled his eyes again, but couldn’t keep a stupid grin from forming on his face. “Love you too,” he said quietly, so quietly he wasn’t sure Dick had even heard him. 

Not two minutes had passed before the man’s incessant snoring filled the room.

Jason had never had a better night’s sleep in his life.


	6. Til There Was You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not a doctor nor a pharmacist. Please do not take anything in this chapter as medical advice.

_Grayson, Richard J. Lorazepam (generic for Ativan). 10 mg. Take 3 times a day for 30 days then as needed to treat anxiety. Take medication with or without food. May cause dizziness._

_Grayson, Richard J. Escitalopram (generic for Lexapro). 10 mg. Take every night at bedtime. May cause dizziness. May cause nausea. DO NOT CONSUME GRAPEFRUIT WHILE USING THIS PRODUCT._

_Grayson, Richard J. BuspIRONE (generic for Buspar). 10 mg. Take 3 times a day. Take with or without food. May cause dizziness._

_Grayson, Richard J. Zolpidem (generic for Ambien). 10 mg. Take as needed to relieve insomnia. Take without food._

Sometimes Dick thought he could chronicle his life based on the pills he had to take. Sometimes he wondered what it would be like to not have to take multiple pills just to function, just to feel sort-of normal. Hell, he still didn’t feel normal most of the time.

Except around Jason. Everything was okay around Jason. His heart rate was calm and even. He didn’t get the knots in his stomach he thought he would live with forever. With him, everything was calm, quiet, peaceful.

Except for when he woke up with a foot jammed into his ribcage, wondering why Jason was in his bed, and wondering how the hell anyone could sleep in such a tangled up position.

He had a pounding in his head that wouldn’t go away, and he could have sworn someone had jammed a handful of cotton balls into his mouth. His stomach was turning, and not in the way he’d come to associate with anxiety.

And then he remembered.

And he groaned, hoping to whatever God was out there that he didn’t wake the still-sleeping Jason. He needed time to think, time to process what the hell he was going to say when Jason woke up because how the hell do you start up a conversation like that. “Oh, hey. Morning. Thanks for staying. Sorry I told you I love you. You hungry?”

Things had been going so very well between them. Jason was finally opening up. Dick was having significantly fewer panic attacks. 

And then he’d gone off and gotten drunk with Wally.

And then he couldn’t keep his damn mouth shut.

And then he’d confessed his love to Jason Todd.

He carefully moved around Jason, not wanting to wake him up, and headed to the bathroom to get ready for work. He still had an hour. Normally, he would have tried to sleep a little longer, but he wanted to be fully alert when the conversation happened.

He jumped in the shower, water as cold as he could stand it, and tried to get his mind to clear. Panicking wasn’t going to bring any good to the situation. Nor was avoidance. No, he needed to face the problem head-on and hope for the best.

He finished his shower, pulled his sweats back on, and headed back into the bedroom. Jason was wide awake and flipping through his phone. “Hey,” the younger man yawned and glanced over at Dick.

“Hey,” Dick responded and rocked back and forth on his feet, debating if he should mention what had happened first or if he should wait for Jason to.

“How’s the hangover?” Jason asked, and Dick could have sworn he saw a glimmer of a smirk on his face.

“Shitty,” Dick answered.

“Figured,” Jason laughed and stood up. “Some night, huh?” he asked as he headed for the doorway to the living room. Dick made a mental note to ask for an upgrade to a two-bedroom once his lease was up. He was worried Jason would have permanent neck problems from sleeping on his IKEA sofa for so long. 

“Yeah, some night,” Dick replied and leaned against the doorframe.

“Have a good day at work,” Jason smiled before leaving, and Dick didn’t know whether or not he should have been relieved that the issue hadn’t resurfaced.

* * *

He was on the clock and in his squad car twenty minutes early. Gordon had tried to argue that he didn’t need to clock in early, but Dick had insisted he was fine and could use the extra pay anyway. He’d only been patrolling for half an hour when the radio dispatcher came on his scanner. _“Ten-sixteen 302 E. Market Street #332.”_ Dick frowned when he heard that. The last time he’d been in that apartment, he’d been breaking up a dispute between Jason and Roy.

“Ten-nine,” he said into his radio, certain that he’d misheard the address.

_“Ten-sixteen 302 E. Market Street. 332.”_

He clenched his hands on his steering wheel and gritted his teeth. “Ten-four.” He changed his car’s direction and headed to the apartment, hoping that Roy had moved. Hell, Dick wondered how the bastard could afford the place anyway. Jason had mentioned something about Roy being a software developer, but Dick couldn’t imagine anyone letting Roy hold down a job for long. He parked his car in front of the apartment building. “Ten-twenty-three,” he informed the dispatcher before taking a deep breath and exiting the vehicle.

He would have been lying if he said he wasn’t relieved that it had been a different couple in the apartment Jay and Roy used to live in. He felt bad for the poor girl, he really did, but he wasn’t sure what he would do if he came face to face with Roy.

* * *

“Grayson,” Gordon threw a folder down on Dick’s desk, and Dick resisted the urge to groan. “Congratulations. Matthews is out sick, so you’re supervising the drug class.”

Dick did groan that time, but Gordon didn’t comment on it. “Starts at five. Make sure everyone signs in and out.”

“Understood,” Dick responded and flipped through the list of papers and pamphlets, stopping when he saw a familiar name. _Harper, Roy Jr. Possession of a Narcotic Drug. Unlawful Possession of a Syringe._

There was no way in hell that was going to end well.

* * *

Roy Harper was a complete and total tool. Dick knew that well in advance, especially with what he heard from Jason and what he saw from what little he could see on Facebook. But actually being in the same room as him, and not arresting him, just further ingrained that into his head.

The only saving grace for the man was that he’d showed up to the class early. But he had strutted in, turned his chair around backwards and sat down with his hands folded around the back of the chair in front of him. His every mannerism screamed cocky trust-fund kid (though Dick couldn’t really judge too much on that. He’d seen the accounts Bruce had set up for him). 

“Oh you’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” Roy muttered under his breath. Dick crossed his arms and glared, the infamous glare Tim swore only he and Bruce could pull off effectively and Roy just smirked up at him.

“Problem, Harper?” Dick questioned, leaning against the blackboard.

“Of course not, officer,” Roy responded. “Just thrilled to be spending my evening learning about how drugs are bad.”

“Would you rather Dent revoke your probation?” Dick questioned. “Because I can arrange that. Door’s that way,” he nodded toward it. God he wanted to make a scene, but he couldn’t risk his job. Roy wasn’t worth it.

He watched as the redhead rolled his eyes and chatted with the person next to him.

It was going to be a long night.

* * *

Dick was home late, but he was still home before Jason, not that he was surprised. Wednesday night was his biology lab, and Jason was dangerously close to failing it and having to add on another semester.

He threw dinner in the oven and rolled his eyes when he saw a text from Tim pop up on his phone. _‘Wayne Enterprises gala. Kill me.’_

_‘You’ll live,’_ Dick laughed and leaned against the counter.

_‘I’ll live in suffering,’_ Tim sent back. _‘How’s what’s-his-face?'_

_‘He’s good.”_

_“;)”_

Dick rolled his eyes and plugged his phone into the charger by the stove.

Jason walked in just as Dick was pulling the food out of the oven. “Oh God, you cooked,” he made a face, but his eyes were joking. “What am I being poisoned with today?”

“Ungrateful bastard,” Dick muttered with a smirk. He had meant it to be funny, but Jason had gone from relaxed to tense as soon as the words left his mouth. God, he should have known better. Jason had only been away from Roy for a few weeks. He’d just had a panic attack in the grocery store a few days earlier. “I didn’t mean it like that, Jay.”

Jason nodded, but his posture didn’t change. “Right. Know you wouldn’t mean it like that,” Dick could have sworn he heard his voice shake, if only a little. “Dad used to always call Mom an ungrateful bitch. Said that’s why he had to join that fucking gang.”

“I’m really sorry, man,” Dick handed him a plate of food and sat up on the counter. He hated the hurt look on Jason’s face more than he’d ever hated anything in his life, except for maybe Tony Zucco, who had killed his parents. He would do whatever it took to keep anyone from hurting Jason ever again.

“Was a long time ago,” Jason shrugged and picked at his food. He was silent for a moment before glancing over at Dick. “Did you mean what you said last night?”

“Did you?” Dick responded, and he honestly didn’t know which scenario scared him more. If Jason hadn’t meant it, Dick had made a complete fool of himself just like he always did, and he’d no doubt be back to being completely alone, maybe for the rest of his life. If Jason had meant it, then Dick didn’t know what happened next, didn’t know if he was ready to move into a relationship, especially with someone who just ended one…

After an agonizingly long moment, Jason nodded. “Yeah. I think I did.”

Dick couldn’t help the smile that came across his face. “I think I did too.”

“So what does that make us?”

“For now?” Dick asked, and Jason nodded. Dick watched as he crossed his arms and leaned against the wall. “I think we need to take some time,” he said through a shaky breath. “It’s just… We both have a lot going on, and I think we need to make sure this is what’s best for us.”

Jason nodded slowly. “Makes sense,” he said and put his plate in the dishwasher. “I think I left some stuff on campus. I should probably go get it.”

“It’s almost midnight…” Dick tried to argue that it could wait until morning, but Jason was already long gone.

He cleaned up the remainder of the kitchen and sunk down to the ground. Because it was true. Catalina was right. He never did anything right. Everything he touched went wrong. Every person he knew ended up hurt.

He just wished it hadn’t been Jason.

* * *

He hadn’t slept at all that night. He debated taking one of his pills, but he only had a handful left and no remaining refills. No, it was better to tough it out. Still, he felt like hell when he dragged himself into the kitchen for his coffee the next morning. 

He only realized that the coffee had already been made when he reached for the carafe and burned his hand. “Shit, sorry man,” Jason ran over and took Dick’s hand, looking it over. “Forgot you’re the walking dead before noon.”

“It’s fine,” Dick responded. He was surprised Jason had come back. Had their roles been reversed, Dick probably would have stayed away for a few days, maybe even for good. Jason led him over to the sink and Dick held his hand under the cold, running water.

“Hey,” Jason sighed and Dick glanced over at him. “I’m sorry. About last night. Leaving was pretty shitty. If you’re not ready, you’re not ready.” Dick frowned at that, at the idea that he hadn’t been wrong. Because he was always wrong with Catalina.

Her lips were on his neck, and she was dragging him down onto their bed. But he was exhausted and traumatized, and God he just wanted to sleep… “Not tonight,” he tried to pull away, but she just pulled him closer.

He told her to stop, but his body felt heavy and his mind was numb and she wasn’t stopping and…

“You okay?” Jason frowned, and Dick wondered when he had moved over to the couch. Jason handed him a bottle of something, and Dick checked it, and once he was sure it was okay, he drank the water and took an anti-anxiety pill. 

“Sorry,” he apologized. “Don’t know what happened.”

“It’s okay,” Jason shrugged and sat down beside him. “I meant what I said earlier,” he added. “I don’t want to push you into anything you aren’t ready for. I wouldn’t do that to you.”

“I know,” he replied and set the empty bottle down on the table. “Thanks. For, you know.”

“Jason rolled his eyes. “Weirdo,” he laughed, a laugh that Dick echoed when Jason threw a throw blanket on him. “They really bump up her release date?” Dick wrapped the blanket around his shoulders and nodded. He’d hoped Jason wouldn’t remember that bit of their conversation. “Sucks, man.”

“You know what’s really fucked up?” Dick asked after a long moment. He glanced over at Jason, who was watching him intently. God Dick had never met such a better listener. “I didn’t even realize it was what it was at first.”

“I know,” Jason sighed. “Me neither.” And Dick was glad, not for the first time, to have someone who understood, even though he would have traded everything in the world to go back and keep Jason as far away from Roy as possible. Still, he didn’t have to hide around him. He didn’t have to sugarcoat.

Because they understood each other. They understood the fucked up mind games their abusers played with them. They understood the after-affects.

“Take as long as you need, okay?” Jason asked, and Dick curled up to him, feeling completely secure for once in his life.

* * *

_The constant beeping was loud and it was driving him up the wall. His mind was fuzzy and his limbs were heavy, but he was still grateful for the drugs because he didn’t ever want to feel the intense pain in his stomach ever again…_

_Wally was sitting beside his bed, had come to make sure Dick was okay, or at least that’s what he said. “What happened, man?”_

_“Am I talking to Wally or to Officer West?” Dick had responded. It had been curt and harsh, but he hadn’t cared at the time. Wally hadn’t argued back though, hadn’t even made a snarky comment. God, how close to dying had he been? “It wasn’t rape.”_

_“We found a shit ton of drugs in your blood. You’re lucky you didn’t die from that. No way in hell could you consent under the influence of all that shit."_

_“It wasn’t rape.”_

_“Then what the hell would you call it if some guy did this to some girl?” Wally had questioned and crossed his arms._

_“I don’t want to get her in trouble.”_

_“She fucking stabbed you with a fucking kitchen knife. She’s already in trouble.”_

_“It wasn’t rape. Because if it was then that means that she… That I…” He couldn’t breathe. God he couldn’t catch his breath. Because it had been going on for months and it was normal and he could still hear her saying that he would never say no, that he wanted it, that he had always wanted it even though he didn’t…_

A voice was telling him it was okay, that everything was fine. But it wasn’t Wally’s. And he wasn’t in a hospital bed… God he really needed to stop losing track of where he was. He glanced up. Jason had an arm around him, and Dick leaned into his touch. “You know, you really need to stop pulling me into bed with you,” the younger man laughed. “Neighbors might start talking.”

Dick snort-laughed and turned bright red, but instead of teasing him, Jason just laughed harder. 

It was the first time he’d properly laughed in years.


	7. Safe and Sound

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to thank everyone for being so supportive of this fic. It was incredibly emotional to write, and I am so, so glad that it was received so well. I apologize for the shortness of this last chapter, but it felt like the right way to end things. I may write a sequel later down the road, but I haven't decided yet. Thank you again, and I hope you enjoy!

Things were easy around Dick. Roy was fire and anger and passion. Dick was safety and peaceful and calm. Jason never knew that actual people could be like that. He’d heard stories and rumors about people living peacefully together. He just thought people made it up to make themselves feel better, to have something to look forward to.

His mind was quiet around Dick. The racing thoughts, the what-ifs, the anxieties about Roy finding and hurting him again… They all disappeared. Because Dick would never let anything happen to Jason. And Jason was sure as hell not going to let anything happen to Dick.

Jason didn’t think he’d ever loved anyone as much as he loved Dick Grayson. And that absolutely terrified him. He’d never wanted anything, or in this case, anyone, so much in his life. But he always screwed everything up. His parents had said so. Every damn foster parent had said so. Roy had definitely said so. 

He had meant it when he told Dick to take as long as he needed. He just wished he wouldn’t take so damn long.

Jason sat at the table and stared at the petition to graduate sitting in front of him. He was just on the edge of passing his bio class. His paper for his capstone wasn’t great, but he doubted his professor would fail him. But God it felt so surreal. Just a few weeks prior, he would have thrown it all away to be with Roy.

Now that thought made him sick.

And he was determined to prove each and every person who had told him he was nothing wrong.

* * *

“It started out innocently enough,” Jason said to the group, finally comfortable enough with them and finally far enough away from Roy to talk about it. “He was in a car wreck and shattered his arm, other guy’s fault. He needed surgery and they put him on some pain pills. And then he ran out and they wouldn’t refill them so he got them from a buddy, and then he wanted something stronger, and then it just got worse and worse.”

He stared down at the floor, not wanting to see the looks on any of their faces, especially not Dick’s. “He’d grab my arm too rough at first. Then I’d try to move away from him and he’d grab my wrist and dig his nails in. I didn’t think too much of it. He was withdrawing the first time he really hit me. We both blamed it on that. But then it kept getting worse and it kept happening. And every time I really thought I was going to leave, he’d get clean and straighten up again. Until he relapsed. Again and again.”

He was silent for a long moment. “Even after everything, I don’t think he’s a bad person. He needs help, though. Lots of it.”

“Being a good or bad person doesn’t matter,” one of the women said, and Jason glanced over at her. “He still hurt you.”

“I know,” Jason sighed. “And that was shitty and an awful thing to do, and I’m glad he got in trouble for it.”

“You did good,” Dick squeezed his shoulder once the meeting ended.

“Was nothin’,” Jason shrugged but smiled up at him.

“It was a big deal and you know it,” Dick replied and walked out alongside him. “I’m proud of you.”

And Jason couldn’t help the grin that formed on his face.

No one had ever been proud of him before.

* * *

Jason was in Dick’s bed again, comforting him after another nightmare. It had become an almost nightly occurrence, and Jason would have done anything to stop them from happening ever again. Dick had calmed down and rested his head on Jason’s chest, and Jason sat playing with his hair. “Can I ask you a question?” he glanced down at the other man, who nodded. “Why are you really avoiding us becoming, well, an us?”

Dick was silent for a long moment, and Jason berated himself. The man had just woken from the worst nightmare yet as far as Jason could tell, and here he was asking the million dollar question that always lingered over the two of them. “I just… I’m not ready to do anything, you know… sexual yet.”

Jason frowned at that. “You, uh, you know you don’t have to have sex to be in a relationship… right?”

Dick frowned and glanced up at Jason, and Jason would have gladly hunted down and killed whoever was responsible for that confusion. “But you’ll just get mad…” he didn’t say the, “And then you’ll leave me,” but Jason heard it all the same.

“I promise I’d never get mad at you about that,” Jason said, and he meant it. 

“Okay,” Dick nodded, shut his eyes, and curled into Jason’s side, and Jason held him until he had fallen back to sleep.

* * *

**_Office of Harvey Dent, District Attorney_ **

**_State of New Jersey vs. Roy W. Harper, Jr. 06C01-1603-F6-1432_ **

_Mr. Todd:_

_I work in the office of District Attorney Harvey Dent as our Victims Assistance Coordinator. As a Victim of a Crime, you have certain rights throughout the criminal justice process. Per our initial meeting, you have requested to be kept updated on the status of Mr. Harper’s case._

_Mr. Harper has signed a plea agreement and will be present at a Change of Plea hearing next Thursday. He has pled to the following: Possession of a Narcotic Drug, a Level 6 Felony, Domestic Battery, a Class A Misdemeanor, and Invasion of Privacy, a Class B Misdemeanor._

_Mr. Harper will have a 180 day sentence at Gotham Metro Jail. All time will be executed. Mr. Harper is also set for a Probation Revocation Hearing two Wednesdays from now. This conviction resulted in a violation of his current probation requirements._

_The No-Contact Order will remain active throughout Mr. Harper’s sentence._

Jason blinked and glanced the letter over again, making sure he read it right. Roy actually admitted to beating him up? No, he more than likely didn’t want to risk his chances at a trial and then get more time. And more court fees. 

Two months ago, reading that letter would have given Jason nothing but pure anxiety.

Now though? He didn’t feel anything at all.

“What’s wrong?” Dick frowned when he walked through the door. Jason handed him the letter and watched as his more-than-a-friend read through it. “That’s great, Jason!” he smiled, but Jason didn’t smile back. Because there was nothing great about the situation, nothing great at all. Jason watched as Dick’s smile turned back into a frown. “What’s wrong?”

“I still feel like it’s my fault,” Jason admitted and hugged himself. 

“He made the choice to do the drugs,” Dick wrapped his arms around Jason’s waist. “He made the choice to abuse you. This is all on him.” Jason nodded and buried his face in Dick’s chest. “Hey Jason” he asked after a moment, and Jason glanced up at him. “I know this is really shitty timing… But I want to do this. I want us to be an us.”

“You don’t have to say that just to make me feel better,” Jason muttered and stared back down at the floor. Because why else would he say that? 

“I’m honestly not,” Dick insisted. “I love you. And I want us to be together. Just, you know, not all the way yet.”

And Jason smiled, genuinely smiled for what felt like the first time in his life. “Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Okay.”

* * *

Jason Todd had been in a relationship with Dick Grayson for three months, and they both still went to the support group meetings. Jason had thought about quitting them, but his fellow group members had become more of a family to him than any of his foster families, and certainly more so than his biological family.

He knew them by name and face. Hell, he could even tell who some of them were based on their footsteps or their coughs. And he knew he hadn’t seen the blonde girl with the pink and blue dip-dyed pigtails before. “Be right back, okay?” he asked Dick, who nodded and went off to chat with some of their friends.

The girl was staring down at her feet, and Jason moved carefully so as not to startle her. “Hey,” he greeted. “What’s up? I’m Jason.”

The girl glanced up. She had a black eye and a cut on her forehead, and Jason could relate all too well. “Harley,” she muttered.

“Hey Harley,” he sat in the chair beside her. “First few meetings are always rough. Make friends with Karen. She makes the best snacks.”

The girl smiled slightly, and Jason was able to make small talk with her for a bit before Dick sat beside him. His boyfriend wrapped an arm around him, and he leaned into his side.

And out of all the places he wanted to spend his Friday evening so many weeks ago, a large circle in a gymnasium full of people he didn’t know, and if he was telling the truth didn’t want to know, talking about their feelings wasn’t at the top of his list. Hell, it wasn’t even in the top hundred. It wasn’t like he hadn’t tried to avoid it. No, he had done everything he could, but the damn court had insisted that he at least give it a try, and so it was Jason Todd found himself in a Survivors of Domestic Abuse Support Group.

And then, months later, he looked forward to it, looked forward to seeing the people he had come to know as his friends, real, true friends, unlike the ones that had dumped him alongside Roy.

Catalina was getting out in a matter of weeks. Roy still had four months to go. The future was scary and unsure and nerve-racking.

But in that moment?

In that moment, Jason was safe and happy and loved.

And that was good enough for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A brief note on chapter titles: each title was named after a song that heavily inspired it and helped me through various blocks throughout the writing process.
> 
> Chapter 1: "Getting to Know You." from "The King and I." Rodgers and Hammerstein. Inspiring lyric: "Getting to know you, getting to know all about you. Getting to like you, getting to hope you like me."
> 
> Chapter 2: "Atavan Halen." Fall Out Boy. Inspiring Lyric: "The only thing worse than not knowing is you thinking that I don't know I'm having another episode."
> 
> Chapter 3: "Lies of the Beautiful People" Sixx A.M. Inspiring Lyric: "But we've got these ugly scars on our infected hearts. Maybe it's time for a change."
> 
> Chapter 4: "Misguided Ghosts" Paramore. Inspiring Lyric: "Would someone care to classify broken hearts and twisted minds so I can find someone to rely on and run to them?"
> 
> Chapter 5: "Mad World." Gary Jules. Inspiring Lyric: "And I find it kind of funny. I find it kind of sad. The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had."
> 
> Chapter 6: "Til There Was You" The Music Man. Meredith Wilson. Inspiring Lyric: "There was love all around but I never heard it singing. No I never heard it at all til there was you."
> 
> Chapter 7: "Safe and Sound" The Hunger Games Soundtrack. Taylor Swift. Inspiring Lyric: "Just close your eyes. You'll be all right. Come morning light, you and I will be safe and sound."


End file.
